New
Year's Resolutions
New Year's resolutions are a dime a dozen. So, how about a dozen?
New Year's resolutions involve making vows to do better in the coming
year. Some examples of typical New Year's resolutions involve dropping
a few pounds, giving up smoking, eating healthier and cutting out
the crack with Whitney Houston.
Yes, New Year's resolutions
may involve giving up an addictive relationship, substance or personality.
In fact, some New Year's resolutions involve giving up altogether.
Self-mutilation and electroshock therapy aside, having a few healthy
New Year's resolutions in one's pocket is akin to goal-setting and
can help many people map out the positives they would like to see
over the next 12-months.
Now, some people don't make New Year's resolutions because they
say they are easily forgotten within a week. Or, if you happen to
have a case of adult ADHD, about a minute. But, I digress. The most
important aspect of making a New Year's resolution is to keep it.
But, keeping at bay the dissolution of resolutions is no easy task.
There are many distractions getting in the way of us keeping our
New Year's resolutions such as drugs, alcohol and sexual addiction.
Necrophilia also comes to mind, as does the bizarre hankering to
cut Alex Trebek's toenails with a set of pruning shears.
Other distractions to keeping one's New Year's resolutions include
an abnormal obsession with Britney Spears' belly, tongue aerobics,
the fantasy of letting loose a pack of wild dogs and psoriasis-ridden
monkeys on Survivor Island and Sudoku. But, in order to be distracted
from keeping one's New Year's resolutions, one has to make them
first.
So, let's start by making a few highly unrealistic and unattainable
New Year's resolutions so that you may feel disappointed and globally
let down when they don't come to fruition. Here are a few New Year's
resolutions that will give you grand unmet expectations leading
to clinical depression followed by three days in a sweat lodge and
a brief peyote trip to Alice's Wonderland.
New Year's Resolutions
This year you will:
- Become President
- Lose 30 pounds without gaining any back
- Get plastic surgery and look like a supermodel
- Win the lottery
- Be groped by a French nun
- Grope the nun back and be thrown in jail
Okay, the last one of the list is attainable, so you have one New
Year's resolution that may not let you down. The important thing
to remember, though, when making your New Year's resolutions only
to be later disappointed is that next year at the same time, you
can do exactly the same thing again with exactly the same results.
Who knows, with any luck you can make a lifetime of this same self-defeating
gesture and may even grow to like it. Or, you can make a New Year's
resolution against doing just that.
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